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Many people probably come to NNN-style parenting from a mixture of instinct and reflection. I find I need to understand the ?why? before I can change so I
suppose that?s why the following books have been so important to me. If I can understand what it?s all about then at least it gives something to start with when
I?m suddenly faced with a new challenge with our kids. Is it a man thing, or perhaps because I?m at work for a lot of the day while Jayne faces the issues of
toddler ?No? syndrome? Not sure.
No NNN book article would be complete without ?The Continuum Concept? by Jean Liedloff. I didn?t read this until we?d been in the NNN for at least a year but it
really helped give me a rational basis for attachment parenting. It describes how far our society has strayed from the natural ways children are raised and
develop and how much we miss out on natural fulfilment and joy if we follow the traditional parenting advice of our culture. Interestingly, I think it also
shows the constraints we face when attachment parenting because so much of what is described assumes that there is a community of support and constant source
of playmates for our children that would relieve the pressure and demands we face. NNN camps provide the nearest thing I have experienced to this but for the
rest of the year I find it helps to realise that some of our stresses stem from the fact that we don?t live in that kind of environment.
Home education was fascinating to me when I first heard of it because I work in a school. A really balanced introduction is given in ?Educating Children at Home?
by Alan Thomas who is a fairly independent researcher who spent years interviewing home educators in the UK and Australia. It gives a very clear picture of the
various approaches to Home Education, the changes that families go through and the benefits. ?Dumbing
us Down? by John Taylor Gatto was a book I never meant to
read. I saw a friend reading it at an NNN youth hostel and was so intrigued by the title that I asked to look at it. My friend never saw it again through the whole
weekend as I couldn?t put it down (he was re-reading it, so I don?t think he minded too much). The author is a teacher in the US who exposes the ?real lessons? that
schools teach and his vision of what the education system could be if it were radically changed from a child-centred perspective. As it?s a collection of talks he
gave it?s very easy to pick up, though you won?t want to put it down!
?How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk? and ?Siblings
Without Rivalry? are two classics of alternative parenting. They?ve been expanded for
their 20th and 10th anniversary printings respectively with some useful extra chapters and give a really good overview of improving communication and reducing
conflict in families. What?s really good about these books is the comic-strip situations that are drawn to illustrate each point. You can really see yourself
in the picture as they show how we often react to our children and alternative ways of approaching it. I think the guidance on handling sibling issues has really
helped me.
?With Consent: Parenting for All to Win? (previous edition was called ?Without
Boundaries?) by Jan Fortune-Wood is probably the most radical book I?ve ever read.
It expounds a complete philosophy of parenting called ?Taking Children Seriously? (TCS) and re-interprets children?s ?difficult? behaviour as expressions of their
need for autonomy. We very seriously tried this method of parenting and have learnt a lot from it ? in particular the excellent examples it gives of different ways
we try to control our children (often ingrained habits we?re unaware of) and ways of creatively finding solutions where ?all win?. We don?t do it anything near
100% but its completeness and radical way of looking at childhood have been valuable.
?NonViolent Communication?(NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg is the most significant book for me at the moment. What is great about NVC is that it is a method of
communication, a way of connecting with others that scales from international negotiations right down to talking to a toddler. It stems from Marshall Rosenberg?s
research into what causes conflict and disharmony and the central role of communication in reinforcing or overcoming that. At first the process he advocates
appears to be mechanical and awkward to use in real life and I still find this happens some of the time. But I can see that the more you look into it and
understand the reasoning behind the process, the more sense it makes and the more natural it becomes. The other two books I?ve listed ? ?Parenting
from your
Heart? and ?The Compassionate Classroom? ? have been so valuable because they?re written by people other than Dr Rosenberg and help you see the bigger picture.
?Parenting from your heart? is a really readable booklet which describes very helpful case scenarios of using NVC with children. ?The Compassionate Classroom? has
a really fresh approach to describing the NVC process and making it more natural. I?d be interested in setting up some sort of NVC discussion with other interested
NNN members if you?re out there ? contact me and we could maybe compile some of our thoughts into future newsletter articles.
Finally there?s Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS). What? Well, not something I came across through NNN but without it I?d still be suffering from the year of
Repetitive Strain Injury in my arms that I had when our children were very young. I couldn?t pick them up, push a swing or all sorts of things because my arms
ached and I was so afraid of making it worse. TMS is a theory about conditions that are still giving symptoms but shouldn?t. The pain is very real but the body
is causing it because of suppressed negative emotions (common amongst self-giving parents, I suspect). Accepting the theory is a wonderful way of completely
curing back and neck pain, RSI and all sorts of other things that doctors tell you you?ll just have to live with. The books ?The
Mindbody Prescription? and
?Rapid Recovery from Back and Neck Pain? together with some very helpful internet resources freed me from a year of pain.
Overall, I?ve been surprised by the amount of overlap and common themes in the various things I?ve read. Perhaps that reflects what?s important to NNN members.
The diagram I?ve included with this article shows some of those links between the different areas.
I really hope this article doesn?t make it sound like I?ve got all the answers. Parenting is very much a work in progress and I?m so aware that many NNNers
intuitively know what I have to struggle to reason out. If you?re one of the people whose helped put me on this journey of discovery, or if I pinched your
book at camp, then thanks! Just don?t lend me a diet book?!