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I remember finding this stage quite exhausting with my firstborn and wondering when it was going to pass. Was she going to shout at me for the rest of her life? Why was she so cross all the time? What could I do to avert it and make things better? Lots of questions and not many answers that I felt comfortable with. In the end I found that what worked best for us was leaving the scene where the tantrum had occurred and going someplace neutral. Then I would talk through with my daughter what had happened, why she had got cross and what we could do to make it better. I did this hundreds of times before it appeared to have any effect but eventually it did make a difference. I never used time out to leave my daughter alone: I always stayed with her which in retrospect I am pleased about. It never felt right to leave her alone with her anger. When she was about 3 and a half I read an article which said you should never ask toddlers why they have done things. I disagreed with this. I always asked her why she had got cross / hit someone / thrown something BUT I also always gave her the answer "You were cross because ...". Instinctively I felt that it was only by doing so that she would learn to recognise why she had done something and also why she had felt such a way. If she was cross with someone else because of something I had said or done I would tell her to be cross with me, that it was OK and that I wouldn't stop loving her.
The hardest part for me was that she always shouted when we had to leave somewhere. I found that very difficult because it felt like leaving on a bad note and I also felt like a bad mother when everyone else's child appeared to leave places docilely and happily. I was so pleased when I became friends with another mum through NNN whose child did the same thing. (Yes you know who you are!) To be frank I never solved that one, it has simply grown easier with time although we still occasionally have bad exits.
So far my second child has been a lot easier but at only just 2 and a half I am expecting things to deteriorate at any time now! At least this time round I will know that it does pass. I have since read "Tears and tantrums" by Althea Solter which had some interesting ideas in it. Although I did not agree with the whole premise I do agree with the fundamental idea that we need to allow our children to experience all their emotions good and bad, without teaching them to deny the stronger negative ones. Here's hoping though that it is easier second time around.